Why now?

Why am I calling this blog? Green tea and toast.
Am back struggling with my eating disorder and need to vent.
I guess at the root of it, I do struggle with self love.
But in the absence of it, disorder takes over.
A few years back W, walked into my life.
Suddenly, I didn't hate myself as much.
Next to his tall, strong and atheletic body,
I felt tiny, sickly and weak.
He brought my back to health .
At the same time my own voice was sometimes crushe.
Under his dominatin and larger than life personality.
Now, the love has faded and we barely see each other.
I feel the need to reach out for a couple of smokes.
I feel the need to grow tinier, I'm loosing pounds again.
Unless am thinner am never happy.
In the absence of W, it's all I have to hang on to.